Love, Loss and Life Beyond - A Letter to My Dad

Dear Dad,

Happy Birthday! OM Namo Shivaya!

I hope that your spirit is watching over us today as we celebrate immense love and memories from 82 years of your life. Had the universe willed it differently, I would be celebrating with you in person. I want to tell you this today as I reflect on your life and what it has meant to me.

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I never realized in how many ways you and I are similar. If my logic comes from mom and my ideas took shape with my husband, you are the one that gave me my soul and instilled in me a deeper faith. You are part of my soul, which will make your presence felt every day, even when you are yourself in another realm. Do you remember when I rebelled for you not letting me go on the school trip with my friends? I understood you finally when my first born went on her first out-of-state trip. I see now clearly all the resemblances between you and I. There are some things, however, where I still have more miles to cover.

You lived a scrupulous life with uncomplicated ideologies. You were a “Bhola Bhandari” like the one you prayed to every day. Your ability to connect with anyone, young or old, rich or poor, was something that will inspire me forever. You saw people as people and not transactions or good will to be encashed later. That is why, even total strangers from all walks of life have become part of our extended family. Your childlike heart endeared you to little children as if you were their own. The length of your grudge was never longer than the extended arms of anyone who may have wronged you. I will always remember our phone call when you said to me, “Never hurt anyone’s heart. This is something you never want to have on your conscience at the end of your life.”

Your conscience was indeed clear and your heart pure with love so you departed from this world in complete peace. I am lucky that I got to hug you before you left us. I am lucky that you told me that you are proud of your children and you felt the love of family with you. I am lucky that you honored and valued Mom for all that she has done for us. You did not even keep the burden of “unexpressed” gratitude on your soul. 

I know that your soul is on the forward journey. I can feel it from the day we carried out your last rites. You said your goodbyes before you went and it is time for us to bid you farewell - To hold on you with tears and heavy heart is to do injustice to your soul. With that thought in mind, I bid the sorrow of your loss a farewell. Thank you for being my Papa in this lifetime. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for carrying me on your shoulders when I needed it. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for telling me stories that are now a fabric of my very being. Thank you for worrying about me every day of my life. Thank you for putting up with my tantrums. Thank you for giving me the gift of faith – OM Namo Shivaya. Thank you for being proud of my successes. Thank you for holding me in my failures. Thank you letting me go. Thank you for never letting your love go. Thank you for your childlike smile from the door of the ICU that one last time. Thank you for that one last hug. 

I owe it to you to carry on without you, to live my life’s purpose as you lived yours. I will resolve to be alright without you so that you can be content wherever you are. I resolve to give my children what you gave me – a sense of stability and undying love. 

I will always and forever be your little girl, your Gudiya, at heart. You will forever be in my happy memories and daily prayers.

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Karpur Gauram Karunavataram | Sansara Saram Bhujagendra Haram ||

Sada Vasantam Hridayaravinde | Bhavam Bhavani Sahitam Namami ||

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Conversation with yourself ~ a prose of self-affirmation

Not wise to the ways of the world,
trickery and treachery abound the road.

Wise to the ways of my heart and soul,
warning me to not fall in line.

i ask my heart what is to become of thee,
it answers not in yeah or nah,
just says if thee dead to yourself,
might as well be dead to the world.

Leader without a Title

Background and disclaimer:

Anthony Jay says, "The only real training for leadership is leadership". I am, myself, a firm believer in learning from the mud of the battlefield. There is much said about the art of leadership and, perhaps, as many published pieces of work as there are unofficial versions. Having said that, contrary to the often used phrase "Don't try it at home", I would say "Please try before you buy" in the context of what I am going to say below.

Let me also put another caveat that I am not a preacher, but a student in the school of leadership. In that spirit, I would like to share what my experiences have taught me. I will attempt to organize my thoughts as "5 attributes of leadership" in an attempt to keep it simple. But let's first talk about why I picked this title for my post. It is my personal belief that being a leader requires no title. A title is just a delegation of authority. Authority is not what builds a leader and as Donald H. Mcgannon said, "Leadership is action, not position." A true leader emerges in spite of his position. Hence, I will differentiate “leadership” from “management” or other titles often used in that context. 

Leadership is a journey, not an end point. You cannot suddenly wake up one morning and say, "I went to a management school, I graduated and I am leader". There are multiple levels and planes of maturity, much like in a video game. You gain mastery over time with practice.

We have often heard it said that a leader has charisma, or a leader has presence, or a leader is a great orator. I feel  that these attributes are more of a symptom than the cause. What are, then the key characteristics of a leader? My take is here as follows: 

1. Freedom from “ME”

Leaders often demonstrate a high degree of passion. This passion stems from a belief in a cause, a purpose or a vision. A belief, when strong, motivates others to follow the leader. However, the test that comes for a leader is when his own ego gets in the way, when he considers himself bigger than the cause. This becomes the biggest challenge for a leader. This is when you have to love something more than you love yourself.  I heard this put in the most beautiful way in Tron Legacy (the movie): "Take yourself out of the equation". Easy to say, but difficult to attain. It takes lifetimes for human beings to be able to command their ego. Freedom from “Me” allows a leader to see greater possibilities, question more harmoniously, leverage tremendously, inspire more widely, and bond more trustfully for fulfillment of the purpose. Freedom from “Me” is something so powerful and essential, that it should really come in a pill but it doesn’t. It is something that comes from the heart and is developed through practice and reflection, which is why it becomes “the” wildcard in the game of leadership. 

2. Courage till the end

As Rosalynn Carter said, “A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be”. That takes courage.  Courage is not the absence of fear but knowing that something is more important. Whether it is the fear of not knowing how to get there, the fear of not having means to get there, the fear of no one coming along, or the fear of not getting there at all. Having fear is not a bad sign, but not having the grit to overcome it is. A good leader will inspire, take a calculated risk and stand for the purpose, in spite of fear. A good leader will demonstrate grit and determination to stick with it until the goal is reached, irrespective of who follows. “To be able to lead others, a man must be willing to go forward alone” said Harry Truman, and I think he was right.

3. Sense of ownership

A great leader does not take ownership of the solution, but takes ownership of the problem. A great leader will bring others along to find a solution, but will not point fingers for the failure. In that sense, a good leader will refrain from politics. A leader that plays to the politics will suffer from it in his own followers. Even deeper than the political impact, this sense of ownership really influences people around you and inspires them to do the same. If you can illicit this response as a leader from people around you, it has the magical effect of transforming the entire group into “actors” and not “spectators”.

4. Learn more than preach

Leaders that often preach but are not open to new ideas or perspectives will outlive their own impact. Bound in a human form, you play to the constraints of nature like time and space. You are, after all, one person in a single dimensional life. The enrichment of your own knowledge, perspective and intuition happens when you interact with others. These others may come from different lives, experiences, geographies, etc. That is when you get the multiplying effect where good ideas come together to form great ideas and great ideas make great visions. You have to constantly keep yourself connected to that pool of knowledge to learn and ensure that your sense of direction stays valid. Hence, you have to develop how to actively listen, give respect and learn from others.

5. Follow, then lead

I’m not sure where I read this, but it is beautifully said: “You cannot lead if you have not followed”. I was not able to understand this fully till one day after a conversation with one of my former managers. It is not in what he said but his humility to accept a direction set forth by one of his juniors. It is then I felt that this has to do with humility, to see yourself as one amongst the many, to know your place in the universe, to be able to take direction when it comes from another quarter, even if the person is lower or above you in hierarchy or society. To me, it is about recognizing that there are universal laws that are bigger than you. It is when I also get connected to my Indian roots, where we greet everyone with a “Namaste”, which says I recognize the divine in you and I respect it.

In conclusion, I will say “Namaste” to all you wonderful readers. If I have been able to see further, it is only by standing on the shoulder of giants. For the inspiring leaders that push me to be better, I can only say that I hope to get there someday.

What do you think? I would love to hear your perspective...

Book Review: "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom

I must admit that even though I had heard a lot about "Tuesdays with Morrie" and had even caught a few scenes from the TV movie that came out of it, I picked up this book by the same author Mitch Albom with half expectation to see a cliché on the importance of life (purely going by the title). And, just like many other things in your bucketlist, this one was still pending. I thought of picking it up as my travel companion on my 18 hour flight to India. 

Let me start the review by quoting from the book "Life's book is hard to understand: Why couldst thou not remain at school?"

Mitch Albom has an unpretentious writing style, where simple words and situations become his vehicle to deliver the big truths of life. It is certainly an art form, given that language often fails to describe subtleties of wisdom. His plots are simple yet powerful. A reader finds strong identification with condition of the protagonist going through normal motions of life - childhood, adolescence and adulthood. And, yet there is something very potent in his story telling that lends another depth to every scene.

 (Hoping to not include any spoilers)....

This story is one of despair and rejection, where the protagonist is at the ultimate juncture of life - the one between life and death. He chooses death over life and just as he is about to leave this world, he has an encounter of a lifetime. One may consider this encounter a meeting between two people - one of them lost to death and one about to go.  My interpretation is that it really was the protagonist’s encounter with his own self - a “self” that in his case is ridden with guilt and shame. 

We rarely have encounters like this because we surround ourselves in so much noise. In this cacophony, the voice we hear the least is our own heart. Most of the time we actively seek to shut it up as it interferes with our mind. It's for this reason the following narrative rings true in every word. It’s about  an event in the book where the protagonist learns “what's an echo” and it goes like this. An echo is persistence of sound after the source has stopped. What is required for an echo? The sound must bounce off something. When can you hear an echo? When it's quiet and other sounds are absorbed. The echo of our heart needs the disarming mirror of pure love to bounce off, a love that is void of ego, the love a mother has for her children for instance. 

{In the text below – a mother is a symbolic reference to a parent that selflessly loves you}

This story revolves around a son and his mother. Delicately woven and beautifully told, how a son realizes that his rejection of his mother was really a rejection of his own self. The subtleties of the story have resonance in the wistfulness that lingers in every man’s heart. The sweet-n-sour relationship that we share with our mother starts with sweet adoration post birth and then sourness adds to it as we grow up. And, we are all in such a hurry to grow up. We are always trying to impress someone – an elusive parent, a partner, or a friend, as if we draw our self-worth from them. But, a  mother does not make you work for her love. For her, acceptance of you as your true self comes naturally. Perhaps, why we take it as her weakness and detest her for that. Since her pure love reflects the voice of our own heart, we try to ignore her. In a dialogue in the story, the protagonist’s mother declares that a child embarrassed by his mother is just a child who hasn't lived long enough.

Your heart always carries the burden of your past and the interest on it accrues over time – shading your self-worth. You can run from all but yourself. And, as the story unfolds, the reader realizes that the past always catches up. ( here I’d interject an observation – as children we have all put on our parent’s shoes one time or the other trying to look like them, then we spend our adolescence avoiding looking like them, in the attempt to please the elusive others, till we really fit in our parents shoes to find out that fitting in those shoes in not just a matter of size but a matter of depth – the depth of a life lived.)

As the book says "Going back to something is harder than you think". Fortunate are those that get another chance to make amends, to listen to your heart in silence of the purest love and reflect on what matters for real. What is real is a mother’s love. Where all others fail, a mother’s love holds you above the whirlwind of life. It gives you courage when you fail, it gives you direction when you get lost. She stays with you forever ( even if you stay with her or not.) After all, an echo persists after the source is gone and we hear it when it is quiet and all other sounds are absorbed.

Another touching declaration in the book is that "Behind all your stories is always your mother's story because hers is where yours begin". We take a lot from our mother – life, love and life’s lessons -rarely giving her back her due. As author says “Your mother and father pass through you to your children” – in more ways than one, your relationship with your mother passes on to your relationship with your children.

Love your mother as she’s loved you....
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p.s:
I read it somewhere that it matters not the day you were born or the day you died but the days in-between. It's this in-between that defines us. The author says "You can find something really important in an ordinary minute." Yet, we spend so many ordinary minutes in ordinary pursuits. As the protagonist’s mother says in the book "It's such a shame to waste time. We always think we have so much of it." If these ordinary minutes define our existence and the value of it, what are the pursuits that we want them to be filled with.

Reviewing: "Leaving the World" by Douglas Kennedy

This is what, as I have promised some of my friends, I will do after reading a book from now onwards - that is, to write my personal review of the book. I thought this will be a good way for me to not only internalize the book myself but also to share my views. After spending nearly 2 weekends and many evenings during the two weeks, I finally completed the 487 page volume of a book by Douglas Kennedy called Leaving the world.

This fictional novel is based on the story of an astute women in her late thirties, professionally accomplished, monetarily well-off, at the verge of calling it quits. And, what gets her to that point is series of tumultuous events and struggles with the in-sanity that is life. Without giving out too much of the story, many of her struggles both personal and professional are what many urban dwellers can identify with, even though she seemed to have lived through perhaps 6 lifetimes worth. I must admit that Douglas' style of writing is quite gripping and hence, apart from only a few detours where I found myself a bit lost, I was riding the emotional waves that the writer was surfing. Apart from providing the raptures of popular writing, Douglas does compel you to ask yourself some very philosophical questions. Good thing he only raises these questions but does not attempt to preach- which, is  where introspective power of the narrative consumes you.

Through the course of Jane’s (protagonist) journey, I could live with and through the many turns her life takes in her pursuit of a little share of happiness. I found myself questioning her judgment at some points, while learning from her lessons in others but the proverbial “straw to break the camel’s back” hits , that finally takes her overboard was something out of the left field. Even though you could smell it 3 pages away but still could not prepare yourself for it fully. It was a point where I had to put the book away for a couple days to absorb the shock. It exposed to me my biggest vulnerability and colored my emotions pitch black. I, just like, Jane could not see any way out of it. After all, how do you deal with it? How could anyone deal with it? Is the answer really to end it all? As sanctimonious as we can be towards human masses, the philosophical question about our fundamental role in this world bares it’s appropriating face at these moments. For all the pursuits of prestige and power, life can spin us around in a jiffy and show us what we really are.

And, that is why I found it particularly interesting that the protagonist starts her story with an examination of a debate between Einstein and Heisenberg over the “Uncertainty principle” only to arrive at the end of her story with evidence that the uncertainty which engulfs our very own existence says that we are nothing more than a particle floating with very little control over our own destinies (my derived conclusion ~ not quoted verbatim)

And, as this particle floats between this world and the netherworld, it imparts very little impact, if at all at the equation of life at large but an immense one at the destinies of other particles around it. So, at the end, you are left with a feeling of lull (something akin to the one you get when at the ocean side absorbing it’s magnificence) wondering what are we doing here in this world.